Oh. The. HUMANITY.

To tell the truth, it isn’t that bad – not as bad as the Vietnam War or Cambodia, but at least as bad as those who use Brando’s (Actually, Conrad’s Heart of Darkness’s) words in jest.  It was pretty difficult for me mid week.  I was miserable without running, not to mention, depressed over Bulldog’s sell-out.  But now, I have to report that I have gained a great deal of perspective – so much so, that I may (may!) cut my week off from running one day short. 

I won’t replay my whole week.  But I will start with yesterday, which was a breakthrough.  I woke at 6A.M. and worked-out at the gym for two solid hours.  At home I bathed, then prompty took a NAP – A nap before everyone in the house even woke!!.  I then woke to a phone call that I missed around 11:30.  It was from my RUNNING friend, Sheila, wondering if we could run this week.  I went back to sleep to catch another call about noon for a play date.  

I raised myself from bed feeling refreshed, made lunch for the family.  But I still thought, “Oh my, I need to run.”  I felt awkward to get soooo much sleep.  That’s just not me.  Sure I get enough sleep, because I go to bed early.  But to nap and nap and nap.   Not me.

I stayed true to my word.  I took my two youngest to the park to meet friends, and we all scootered around the park (yes, I put on my pink helmet and joined in). 

Back home I lay back down upon my bed and relished the cool breeze blowing through the windows.  Just as I drifted back off to sleep our middle son approached to say, “Mom, you’re never going to get to sleep tonight.”  Wise boy.  But I didn’t care about sleep just then.  I cared about NOW, the moment.  And I felt that I still needed sleep.  I slept in that cool breeze comfortably, finally waking at 5:30 PM! (OMG!)

It wasn’t long after dinner before I tucked myself back into bed.  But not after talking to my mother about all this sleep.  She said, “Your body is healing.”  I can’t argue with that.  After reading an enlightening chapter of The Power of Now, I fell promptly asleep well before 11PM, to awaken at 6AM once again.

I felt much better this morning, not so deprived from not running.  I accomplished much over the past few days, despite my sleeping.  I applied for substitute teaching positions within the district that I’m currently employed.  Best off all, I got a little better at remaining in the NOW while NOT RUNNING.  I felt good, even though I haven’t run in almost a week.  THIS IS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT (that is to NOT feel anguish by not running.)

Off to the gym I drove this morning.  I swam 2,000 yards, showered, then sat in the sauna.  Feeling extremely relaxed, I nearly lay down for a nap in that wonderful dry heat.  Instead, I took off for home, made our boys breakfast then tucked back into bed for a “nap” until my friend phoned about 11 AM.  She laughed when I said that I was just awakening from a nap.

Somehow today, I felt freed.  Like the chains had been broken.  I know that it will take lots more practice to experience the present when I’m not running.  But I have to say that I made great steps toward getting things “back on track.”  I applied for employment.  I got together submission guidelines and prepared for a Friday literary submission.  I made phone calls that I needed to make.  I gathered paperwork and signed documents that needed attention.  I even lost 2.5 pounds

Miles logged today:  0

Another Nutty Post

Okay, now everybody has got to get in their nutty posts once in a while.  Mine was yesterday.  But behold, I believe today it’s coming on again.  It seems that I just can’t function my best without my runs.  When I woke at 6:00 I simply stayed in bed.  I had prior to this delusions of grandeur, that I, THAT IS ME, THE ONE WHO IS NOT RUNNING, would wake early and swim 2000 yards.  But then I just lay in bed and forced myself back to sleep.  When I woke at 7:00, I thought to myself, “stay in bed as long as you can.”  Why?  Oh, I don’t know – BECAUSE I WASN’T RUNNING.  

I could hear one of the boys up, on the computer or something as I lay there, for a couple more hours.  My husband lay there too and I thought, “he must be trying to beat me by staying in bed longer.”  So I studied his face, certain he was not sleeping.  But he was sleeping!  

Finally at 9:35 AM I couldn’t stand it any longer.  I got up with a major case of the blues and complete lack of motivation.  I did get to the gym yesterday morning and had a really good workout.  But today . . . I felt dumpy.  Grumpy too, but mostly dumpy.  First thing I did was weigh myself and write the number in big black numerals on the kitchen whiteboard.  When my lovely husband woke, he weighed himself too.  He wasn’t too keen when I wrote the number on the board.  “Do you have to right it so big?” he asked. 

I got some calls in that I needed to make.  I cleaned off my oldest sons’ dresser. I signed onto the internet.  I did dishes (by hand, because I felt like having CLEAN dishes for once!).  I signed on and off and on and off and on and off the internet.  I did laundry.  I frowned.  I got on the internet. I made potato salad.  I went grocery shopping.  I signed onto the internet.  And then, I went on a scooter ride to the park with my middle son.  The wind hit my face, and I smiled (not the fake smile I was putting on earlier in the day, a genuine smile).  We rode downhills and we rode uphills.  And when my boy said, “I hate uphills,” I grinned and said, “if you wanna go downhill, you gotta go uphill.”  He was right too, it was hard scooting myself with one foot up the hills.  I’m not too graceful switching feet (my oldest son simply jumps up above the scooter while in movement and switches feet on the landing). 

And then I got home and signed onto the internet. 

Time moves very slowly when I don’t run. 

Somewhere in the day, I decided to do every single one of my exercises/stretches.  I have this Excel Chart that lists out a multitude of exercises that I color in the box next to the particular exercise once completed.  I always do some of them.  Sometimes 50% of them.  Never have I done all of them in a single day.  Today, I colored in every single box.

These are the exercises (some of them I named myself because I don’t know what they’re called ):  abs, arm weights, clams, scissors, bridges, neuro-flossing, step lowers, straight column 10x, lean, lean & step, lean & run, side-to-side ball, plank, ball plank, ball bridges, wall walk, foam roll, figure 4 stretch, piriformis stretch, quad stretch, hamstring stretch, IT Band stretch, calve stretch, push ups.

Miles run today:  0

An Explanation

I run to escape (partly).  That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I escape the past, and I escape the anticipation of the future when I run trails.  When I run trails I must stay in the present.  And the present is a good place.  It’s a FANTASTIC place.  If I don’t stay in the present, I could trip on a rock, fall off a cliff.  When I run trails, especially technical trails, the present is what  really exists.  The past and future only exist in the mind, and those places at times, cause me great anxiety. 

I read a book many, a MANY year ago,  called The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis.  And from what I recall, it was about the devil’s nephew trying to entice a WWII vet into the “dark side” (for you Star War fans and for lack of better words on my part).  In this book, the devil’s nephew would often call on his Uncle the Devil.  And what I remember most about their correspondence was this:  The Devil constantly reminded his nephew to get this WWII veteran into the past or into the future, because “the present is where God is,” and “we need to keep him away from God.”  {Not direct quotes just memory}

I believe it’s true that the present is what’s real, and that running keeps me in the present.  On the other hand, running aids me in not dealing with the things I must deal with.  Things like: pursuing my writing career, dealing with a disrespectful tween, or even painting the yard gates. 

SO!  What does this all have to do with anything, especially my blog?  Well, first of all, I was beginning to experience major burn-out.  I felt tired.  I couldn’t get up in the morning.  And then, AND THEN, Bulldog 50k sold out before I could register!!!  That sell-out set me back into a bit of depression.  The morning after finding out about the sell-out, I woke at my usual 5:00 AM to run and I said F**** it.  I was in quite a downer for missing this 50k’s registration.  Especially after I had finally decided to make a go for it. 

This “burn-out” (utter fatigue without any repetitive injury – yeah! no reptitive injury!) coupled with my depression over Bulldog and the feeling that I’m running now for escape instead of health, plus my running friend Jeremy’s recommendation that I take a week off from running, I have decided to indeed take that week off.  That’s why you haven’t seen a blog since last Thursday. 

Let me say this:  LIFE IS TOUGH.  Sometimes it’s tougher than other times.  Sometimes, especially when I run trails, I can’t feel even an inkling of the life’s toughness (AND THAT IS WONDERFUL).  When the sweat pours, I’m in the present and the past and future doesn’t exist.  I’d much prefer to run up a five mile incline than face the pains and hardships of life.  The book that I’m reading (surprise, surprise), The Power of Now, basically states (so far) that our pain exists in the past and in the future, but not in the present.  I acknowledge that.  But I use the present to not deal with the future.  I couldn’t care less about the past.  The past is gone.  But the future . . . that causes a great deal of anxiety in me.  If you don’t live in So. California or perhaps you live in a place with similar circumstances – you may know about the economical hardships we are experiencing.  We see friends lose their homes, we see friends with no where to turn.  Like I said earlier, for us and those in our fields, life is tough!

Don’t get me wrong.  I have and have had a great life.  I have a home, a wonderful husband, 3 lovely boys and a new puppy.  But a break from running to get rid of this burn-out and also to face the things that I’ve been neglecting is something I desperately need. 

So, what am I going to do instead of running?  Am I going to finally paint the fence?  No.  I am not.  But I am going to pencil it in my calendar.  And I am going to find publisher/agents to send submissions.  (I already found one that I will send out by early this week).  And I am going to go to the gym and cross training daily, and I am strengthening my core and I am getting on a healthy diet. 

Am I going to focus on the past?  No!  Am I going to regret missing Bulldog?  Not anymore!  Am I going to worry about the future!  No.  No. No!!!  Instead I am going to focus on The Now, and I am going to currently work on my career.  (Yes, I have a career that I stumbled upon because I happened to get a bachelor’s of art some years back and several teaching credentials, it’s not giving us a substantial living income – though I love, love, love my job – I love writing more, and I need to pursue that).

Jeremy’s suggestion to take a week off seemed out of the question at first. Actually, it seemed absurd.  I commented on Facebook, “A week!!!”.  When I suffered depression from missing Bulldog, I realized that my friend’s suggestion more than a good idea.  It was an essential idea!! 

Thanks my running friend. 

I am still working out.  And though a week isn’t that long, I must cut my thoughts off at  night when I dream of running.  And I may also cut the week short.  But that would be all right.  What’s more important I think is to get a break for the REST and to GAIN PERSPECTIVE . . . gain perspective on Now.

Cheers! 

And Happy Running.  Because if it ain’t happy, then it ain’t worth doing!

ps,  a tribute to another musician:  R.I.P. Mike Starr : (  (Here’s to hoping you find peace, peace, peace, in the NOW and forgive yourself for the mistakes of your friend, Love,  someone who “knew” you, someone that you never ever heard of.  I think you were probably a good guy.)

pss.  I LOVE TO RUN, and it kinda hurts to take this week off!

Hometown Run

With little time for a run this morning, I sat on the couch way, way too long before finally heading out the door for a quick run.  The skies were gray and misty, my legs and mind a bit fatigued. 

I began my run uphill and ran some more uphill after that, until finally I began a great descent down to a local beach called The Strands.  I ran the sand, then jumped up onto the base of the cliffs where I took in the fierce ocean and petite sea creatures that live in the crevices and pools there. 

From there I ran, up, up, up a series of steps then out to The Headland trail system.  Time was fleeting (as usual) as I ran along Highway One.  I arrived home with five minutes to shower and dress and get out to the car so that I could drive to a routine doctor’s appointment about 30 miles away.  I did it in SIX.  If only I moved so quickly when I ran.   

The Great Descent comes to an end (The Strands Beach)

Early risers wait for the big one

Quick Pose before jumping up onto rocks

One of my “Happy Places” (at base of Headlands)

Sea Anemone in tide pools at base of Headlands cliffs

Ah, that’s QUITE ENOUGH of this!! (Running these steps are not fun.)

Running The Headlands looking back on The Strands

Miles run this morning:  4.88 (7.85 km)

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