An Explanation

I run to escape (partly).  That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I escape the past, and I escape the anticipation of the future when I run trails.  When I run trails I must stay in the present.  And the present is a good place.  It’s a FANTASTIC place.  If I don’t stay in the present, I could trip on a rock, fall off a cliff.  When I run trails, especially technical trails, the present is what  really exists.  The past and future only exist in the mind, and those places at times, cause me great anxiety. 

I read a book many, a MANY year ago,  called The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis.  And from what I recall, it was about the devil’s nephew trying to entice a WWII vet into the “dark side” (for you Star War fans and for lack of better words on my part).  In this book, the devil’s nephew would often call on his Uncle the Devil.  And what I remember most about their correspondence was this:  The Devil constantly reminded his nephew to get this WWII veteran into the past or into the future, because “the present is where God is,” and “we need to keep him away from God.”  {Not direct quotes just memory}

I believe it’s true that the present is what’s real, and that running keeps me in the present.  On the other hand, running aids me in not dealing with the things I must deal with.  Things like: pursuing my writing career, dealing with a disrespectful tween, or even painting the yard gates. 

SO!  What does this all have to do with anything, especially my blog?  Well, first of all, I was beginning to experience major burn-out.  I felt tired.  I couldn’t get up in the morning.  And then, AND THEN, Bulldog 50k sold out before I could register!!!  That sell-out set me back into a bit of depression.  The morning after finding out about the sell-out, I woke at my usual 5:00 AM to run and I said F**** it.  I was in quite a downer for missing this 50k’s registration.  Especially after I had finally decided to make a go for it. 

This “burn-out” (utter fatigue without any repetitive injury – yeah! no reptitive injury!) coupled with my depression over Bulldog and the feeling that I’m running now for escape instead of health, plus my running friend Jeremy’s recommendation that I take a week off from running, I have decided to indeed take that week off.  That’s why you haven’t seen a blog since last Thursday. 

Let me say this:  LIFE IS TOUGH.  Sometimes it’s tougher than other times.  Sometimes, especially when I run trails, I can’t feel even an inkling of the life’s toughness (AND THAT IS WONDERFUL).  When the sweat pours, I’m in the present and the past and future doesn’t exist.  I’d much prefer to run up a five mile incline than face the pains and hardships of life.  The book that I’m reading (surprise, surprise), The Power of Now, basically states (so far) that our pain exists in the past and in the future, but not in the present.  I acknowledge that.  But I use the present to not deal with the future.  I couldn’t care less about the past.  The past is gone.  But the future . . . that causes a great deal of anxiety in me.  If you don’t live in So. California or perhaps you live in a place with similar circumstances – you may know about the economical hardships we are experiencing.  We see friends lose their homes, we see friends with no where to turn.  Like I said earlier, for us and those in our fields, life is tough!

Don’t get me wrong.  I have and have had a great life.  I have a home, a wonderful husband, 3 lovely boys and a new puppy.  But a break from running to get rid of this burn-out and also to face the things that I’ve been neglecting is something I desperately need. 

So, what am I going to do instead of running?  Am I going to finally paint the fence?  No.  I am not.  But I am going to pencil it in my calendar.  And I am going to find publisher/agents to send submissions.  (I already found one that I will send out by early this week).  And I am going to go to the gym and cross training daily, and I am strengthening my core and I am getting on a healthy diet. 

Am I going to focus on the past?  No!  Am I going to regret missing Bulldog?  Not anymore!  Am I going to worry about the future!  No.  No. No!!!  Instead I am going to focus on The Now, and I am going to currently work on my career.  (Yes, I have a career that I stumbled upon because I happened to get a bachelor’s of art some years back and several teaching credentials, it’s not giving us a substantial living income – though I love, love, love my job – I love writing more, and I need to pursue that).

Jeremy’s suggestion to take a week off seemed out of the question at first. Actually, it seemed absurd.  I commented on Facebook, “A week!!!”.  When I suffered depression from missing Bulldog, I realized that my friend’s suggestion more than a good idea.  It was an essential idea!! 

Thanks my running friend. 

I am still working out.  And though a week isn’t that long, I must cut my thoughts off at  night when I dream of running.  And I may also cut the week short.  But that would be all right.  What’s more important I think is to get a break for the REST and to GAIN PERSPECTIVE . . . gain perspective on Now.

Cheers! 

And Happy Running.  Because if it ain’t happy, then it ain’t worth doing!

ps,  a tribute to another musician:  R.I.P. Mike Starr : (  (Here’s to hoping you find peace, peace, peace, in the NOW and forgive yourself for the mistakes of your friend, Love,  someone who “knew” you, someone that you never ever heard of.  I think you were probably a good guy.)

pss.  I LOVE TO RUN, and it kinda hurts to take this week off!

Hometown Run

With little time for a run this morning, I sat on the couch way, way too long before finally heading out the door for a quick run.  The skies were gray and misty, my legs and mind a bit fatigued. 

I began my run uphill and ran some more uphill after that, until finally I began a great descent down to a local beach called The Strands.  I ran the sand, then jumped up onto the base of the cliffs where I took in the fierce ocean and petite sea creatures that live in the crevices and pools there. 

From there I ran, up, up, up a series of steps then out to The Headland trail system.  Time was fleeting (as usual) as I ran along Highway One.  I arrived home with five minutes to shower and dress and get out to the car so that I could drive to a routine doctor’s appointment about 30 miles away.  I did it in SIX.  If only I moved so quickly when I ran.   

The Great Descent comes to an end (The Strands Beach)

Early risers wait for the big one

Quick Pose before jumping up onto rocks

One of my “Happy Places” (at base of Headlands)

Sea Anemone in tide pools at base of Headlands cliffs

Ah, that’s QUITE ENOUGH of this!! (Running these steps are not fun.)

Running The Headlands looking back on The Strands

Miles run this morning:  4.88 (7.85 km)

Elevation profile:

Motivation

I feel badly when I read blogs about runners who can’t motivate themselves to get out and run.  Though I cannot motivate myself to do MANY things, I seem to have no problem getting out and running.  I am very lucky – although, I’m pretty much dirt-poor (I’m serious), I have lots and lots of time to run.  I go to bed at night dreaming about the next day’s run.   Motivation?  I got it.  

Or so I thought!  Not the dirt poor bit, but the “I don’t need motivating” part.  I realized today, that every so many runs, I have to literally force myself out the door to get in my run.  I loathe the idea of getting out of my comfy bed, prepping and hitting the dirt.   I’m not motivated enough to look back to see just after how many runs this occurs.  I’d say, conservatively, once every two weeks, I DO NOT want to run.  Yet, I force myself. 

How is it that I’m able to force myself, when I can’t seem to force myself to add ONE page to my novel, or force myself to stay on a healthy diet, or even send out a resume for full-time work?  I am able to force myself to run for a couple reasons.  The reason most often is to avoid regret.  I don’t want to regret not running later in the day.  I also run when I don’t want to so that I can be in shape enough to run when I want to run.  And last, but not least, I force myself, when I’ve scheduled a run with a friend.  The latter is the most motivating factor for me when I don’t want to run.

Yesterday was a day at my folks for a big family gathering, so I didn’t get to bed until 10 PM.  And I was still awake at 11:00 PM.  I woke this morning at 5AM to meet my running friend, Sheila at 6AM.  We haven’t run together in such a long time.  I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to run with her, so I had to literally PUSH MYSELF OUT THE DOOR.  I was so, so tired, AND SO DID NOT WANT TO RUN.  I fought against cancelling because I wanted to run with her.  After gulping down a cup of coffee I left the house under darkness.

In the end of course, I was so happy that I made it (a little late of course).  The weather was cool as we ran up the steep Cholla Trail for a 9.5 mile loop in Aliso/Wood Canyons Park.  We had time to catch up and take in the terrain’s beauty.  Even saw a Mama deer and her two babies on Wood Canyon Trail.  I would have been so bummed to have missed this morning’s run.  The miles went by like they were practically nothing.  I’m not saying that they weren’t difficult.  They were difficult, and they were fun.  I arrived home with clothes drenched in sweat even under cloudy skies, and so glad that I forced myself out the door.

I was also home before anyone was even awake.  And I bathed before anyone woke.  Then when everyone finally woke up, I lay in my bed, closed my eyes and “accidentally” fell asleep for and hour and a half.

What a morning!

9.5 miles logged 

After running Top of the World, about ready to descend on Meadows Trail (notice the ocean in background is almost the same color as the sky)

Running the bottom of Meadows Trail, I’m in awe of the colors along the paved Aliso Creek Trail that runs parallel.

Mama and 2 baby deer in Wood Canyon (you have to look closely).

Route:  Canyon Vistas to Wood Canyon, up Cholla Trail, up West Ridge, across Top of the World, down Meadows Trail, up Wood Canyon back)

Holy Jim / Main Divide / Trabuco Loop

I got to return to the Santa Ana Mountains today, early, early in the morning.  I woke at 4AM to meet running partner Tom B. (at 5:30 AM),  and we drove through a dark canyon to take off running at sunrise up Holy Jim Trail – my favorite trail.

Holy Jim really wasn’t so bad.  I love the switch-back aspect.  And I was still fresh.  The really tough part of today’s loop was running portions of The Main Divide.  It’s exposed and features a few good climbs, one in particular (you can probably pick it out on the elevation chart below).  But The Main Divide is a road, which made for relatively danger-free running.  We had something else to constantly deal with though on The Main Divide -- most of it, those nasty little Gnats swarmed us, several flying up my nose.  I even spit out a few when I finally told myself, “keep your mouth shut.”   

I was very ready for the shade of Trabuco Trail.  What we weren’t so keen on was the rocky, so very rocky portions about half way down.  With the heat and fatigue, I ran carefully to avoid a mishap.  Don’t want to fall on this single track – I might find myself sliding down the side of a steep slope (I’ve done that before). 

Reaching the creek was absolute heaven.  It was shady and lush, a truly beautiful sight. I took that ice cold water and drenched my hair and handkerchief.   Had the creek not been so thin, I probably would have lay right down in it.  I wasn’t exactly delirious.  But I was feeling the heat, I’ll tell ya!  I remember running back to the creek in search of my sunglasses when I realized they were on my face.

I’m very lucky and happy to have a running partner to accompany me on today’s run.  It’s difficult to get people to run up there, not only is the terrain difficult, but the time needed to complete the loop puts a huge dent into your day.  Thanks Tom!  (And a big thanks to Jeremy and Hank too who accompanied me last time).  I’m too chicken to run these mountains alone. 

Today’s run totaled 17.85 miles, a little shorter than I estimated.  But that’s just fine with me.  Those last couple miles running in were extremely difficult.  And hot!

+4,726’ / – 4,683’

Early enough in the morn’ that I’m still wearing long sleeves.

Tom crosses creek as the climbing up Holy Jim begins.

Some of the lush beauty of Holy Jim, before the sweat really begins to flow.

It’s growing warm as we zig-zag up the mountain. 

Nearing the top of Holy Jim?

I’m kinda hoping.  But no such luck.

Actually there’s still more uphill running before we reach the top.

Still climbing . . .

Now we’re almost there!

Running along Main Divide,  view ahead of other side of mountain.

Looking over the other side, as gnats accompany us on this trip.

Meeting up with two bikers making the Holy Jim/Main Divide/Trabuco loop.

View from The Main Divide.

Lake Elsinore

Running down Trabuco Trail.

Tom leads the way down this rocky terrain.

Fallen trees across Trabuco Trail.

After watering down at the creek, a quick pose.  I’m beat!

Finishing off the last few miles, in and out of shade.

Nature Loop Trail

I went for another evening run today.  I find it very difficult, strenuous to run in the afternoon or evening.  And this evening it was hot.  I wore minimalist shoes which are still so extremely comfortable.  It’s not actually like I’m running barefoot.  But it’s like I’m not wearing shoes (and my neuroma knows it too!  I came in from today’s run limping.) 

As I ran Coyote Run Trail, I saw something dark to my side run and leap through the brush.  I thought “Oh crap,” because I feared I was running alongside an extra active bobcat.  I’m not usually fearful of bobcats.  But I usually see them in the morning when they are a bit lackadaisical.  So, I abruptly stopped in the single-track trail.  Not ten feet away stood a wide-eyed deer chewing on a wad of grass.  A few feet from her another deer bent down to chomp the vegetation.  My presence didn’t phase these beauties a bit.  As I ran onward, I saw the third deer, the smallest one, the one that had been leaping through the grass when it spooked me. 

Off Coyote Run Trail I ran the last remaining trail at Aliso/Wood Canyons Park that I had not yet run.  I put off Nature Loop Trail because it seemed that every time I ran past it, time was fleeting.  I finally took that right turn and climbed up to the ridgeline trail, and as of this evening, I have conquered every single marked trail in these canyons. 

Who would have thought?  And I had lots and lots of fun doing it (not to mention some disappointments, some falls and injuries), but mostly an awesome time.

View from Nature Loop Trail

A pause before coming off Nature Loop Trail

The Trail

Miles run today:  5.13 (The loop:  Canyon Vistas Park, Wood Canyon to Wood Creek Trail, back to Wood Canyon Trail, Coyote Run Trail, Nature Loop Trail, Mathis Trail, Wood Canyon Trail back to Canyon Vistas Park)

Tagged!

Giraffy of 365 Days of Awesome tagged me with:

She’s so nice.  This means though that I must give you random facts about me.  LOL. 

Since I didn’t run today, I AM READY.  Random facts about this trail running blogger (that is me) are:

1)  I love shoes – all kinds of shoes:  running shoes, boots, sandals, heels, you name it.  I haven’t been buying shoes since I’m poor now, but I still have plenty to keep me content (I had to clean out my closet anyway). 

2)  I have a library (now my husband’s office) that holds hundreds upon hundreds of books:  These are some of my most favorite books in the whole wide world (and also part of my library that has over-flowed into my bedroom):

3)  I am the oldest of 5 children (& I am 21 years older than the youngest – we all have the same parents).

This is from a long, long time ago!

4)  I am an unpublished novelist.  I write mainly historical fiction (and short stories for the fun of it.) 

5)  I have published short (very short) articles on the internet re: misc. things like software programs, Health Savings Accounts and weight training.

6)  The following instruments are in my home:  accordion, mandolin, violin, guitars (3), an electric piano, a baby grand piano that takes up a good portion of our living room,  a recorder and at least 3 harmonicas.

7)  My other passions are WWII history and Russian history.  I don’t care much about pre-historic history.

8)  If I were to live my life again and could do anything I wanted, I would be a dancer.

9)  I have voted in every election since I was able to vote, and lastly,

10) I DO NOT watch the news.

I hope that you found these random facts semi-interesting.  Now, it’s my turn to tag.  I know this lady is super busy, and she might not see this tag, but if she does, I tag you Running Green Girl with the Amazing blogger Award (don’t forget the random facts) because you are are so optimistic and supportive to so many athletes.